How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You
Do you feel like every time you open your mouth all your husband hears is white noise? Do you state your opinion but don’t feel heard by your spouse? Many women complain about their husbands not listening. The secret to getting your husband to listen lies in understanding and working with your differences. Men and women have drastically different communication styles. Learn how to communicate with your husband more effectively so that he actually starts listening to what you have to say.
Changing Your Approach
- Choose a location where you can talk without distractions. While it might be tempting to call him on his cell phone in the very moment you become upset, calling at work or while he is busy is not going to end well.
- Ask whether it is a good time. When you approach him, your husband may be in a bad mood, sleepy, or angry-these aren’t good times to talk. When you ask to speak to him, you have to also be ready for him to say it isn’t a good time and to respect that.
- If it isn’t a good time at the moment, ask him when it would be better. If you want a two-way discussion, you have to respect his request if talking needs to wait.
- Set a realistic time if it does need to wait, and stick to it.
- Sit beside him rather than face-to-face. Sitting face-to-face can be intimidating and even making eye contact during a tough conversation can be distracting. Sitting next to him sets a more comfortable and open environment for the talk to start.
- Signal to him that the topic is important. We all live busy lives and have learned to tune background noise out to get to the important stuff. He needs to know when you truly need his undivided attention.
- We all have those moments where you say “Yes dear” without listening, so don’t take it personally if it takes a few times for him to hear how important the subject is. Make sure when he agrees to talk he has really heard your request.
- Some of the best ways to signal that the conversation is important would include getting closer to him and speaking in a different tone than you would normally banter back and forth in. Getting his attention does not mean yelling or raising your voice.
Overcoming Barriers to Communication
- Be direct and to-the-point. Your husband can appreciate you making your point clear right away rather than beating around the bush. What’s more, if your message isn’t succinct, you run the risk of losing your husband’s attention. If you go on and on without getting to the point, your husband may eventually tune you out.
- Refrain from nagging. This is the type of stuff that is easy for him to tune out because nagging does not work. Nagging for a man is demoralizing and manipulative and gives them no real motivation to comply.
- Nagging does not work because you are asking him to do something over and over again that for whatever reason he hasn’t already done. You ask him to take care of a chore the same bothersome way for the 10th time tonight will not finally work.
- Nagging does not work because men have learned to tune it out, and often feel like you are treating them like a child when you nag. You would nag and use a guilt trip with someone you have power over, not a partner. Men want to feel powerful and appreciated, that just does not happen with nagging.
- Use “I” statements. This prevents blaming on your part and defensiveness on his part. This does not mean simply starting out every line with “I” and complaining. “I” statements clearly take ownership of your emotions and give your husband a clear link to whatever action he has made that caused you to feel a certain way.
- The formula for an “I” statement would be: “I” feel _____ when you ______ because ______.
- Examples of “I” statements might include any of the following:
- “I feel embarrassed when you tease me in front of your family because I want them to like me.”
- “I feel frustrated when you were late for Sam’s teacher conference because I don’t know what to say.”
- “I feel angry when you make financial decisions alone because I don’t know about them.”
- Ensure that you listen to him in turn. Your husband may not listen to you because when he speaks he does not feel heard. Observe your own listening behaviours to see if you could improve in this area. Practice active listening. Instead of listening to figure out your response or defence, really listen to what he is actually saying and acknowledge it.
- Paraphrase his key statements and repeat them back to him to make sure that, firstly, he knows you have heard him and, secondly, that you understand his statements. Understanding what he is saying is very different than agreeing, you may not always agree with him but you can always hear him.
- Paraphrasing and putting the “echo” you repeat back to him in an “I” statement will help clarify what he is feeling and what he feels is the reason for that. It also serves to validate his feelings.
- An example of paraphrasing might go as follows:
- Husband: “I am tired of your yelling. I am tired when I get home and don’t need to be yelled at. I am not stupid. I can’t even get in the door before you start.”
- Wife: “I hear that you do not like me yelling and feel frustrated by being bombarded with requests when you first get home from work, is that correct?”
- See a marriage counsellor. Unfortunately, you can make a wide range of changes to your communication and still experience problems with your spouse not listening. Sometimes, your husband not listening can point to a deeper issue. The two of you should contact a marriage counsellor in your area who can help you work through more serious barriers to communication.
Recognizing Differences
- Learn his love language. Men and women simply communicate very differently, but that does not mean one is better than the other. Women tend to be more flexible in their communication styles so they are able to adapt to how the men need to be communicated with.
- Women want to be appreciated in a relationship while men want to be respected.
- Women can be more flexible when it comes to adapting because men are wired to be leaders not caregivers in a traditional sense. Knowing that a man is seeking respect and working to talk to him in a respectful manner goes a long way.
- See if he prefers to talk over shared activities. Choosing an activity where you can be active together like taking a walk or playing golf gets his kinetic energy flowing and may open him up to talk.
- Find out how he feels most respected. Showing him adequate respect in the way that is fulfilling to him could be the ticket to having him listen more.
Community Q&A
Add New Question
- How do I tell my husband that I’m still in love with my ex?
- Don’t, unless you want to divorce your husband. Otherwise, you are just pointlessly hurting him. If you do want to get divorced, sit down with him calmly, tell him there’s something you need to talk to him about and be honest. See How to Divorce As Peacefully As Possible.
- What can I do if my husband is closed-minded?
- Not a lot. Talking to him maybe like talking to a wall. This is a tough situation because there is usually no resolution to your problems with him because he is unwilling to try to fix things. You can either try couples counselling or decide if this marriage is worth saving.
- My husband stays out until 3 am and sometimes he doesn’t come home at all. I don’t think this is the character of a married man, but when I try to talk to him, he doesn’t want to hear it. What do I do?
- Consider marriage counselling. If he still won’t listen, tell him you’re considering divorce.
- What if he is emotionally and physically “checked out”
- Communication is one of the foundations of marriage. Try to suggest marriage counselling. If he refuses, try speaking to him directly. If he still refuses to listen, find a divorce lawyer and tell him you will divorce him. If he suddenly changes his mind and listens to everything you say, this may be an act and will not last.
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Licensed Master Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014. This article has been viewed 344,739 times.
Updated: November 27, 2019
Getting your husband to listen to you can be a challenge, but it’s an important part of every relationship. If there’s something significant you want to talk about, ask him if it’s a good time to talk. That way, you won’t be trying to communicate with him while he’s tired, stressed, or distracted. If it’s a bad time, schedule a time to talk later. Try to be direct with your language so it’s clear what you mean. For example, say something like, “I feel like we should spend more quality time together.” It’s important to word things using “I statements” so it doesn’t sound like you’re accusing your husband. You should also give him your full attention when he’s talking, which will encourage him to listen to you in return. For more tips from our Relationship co-author, including how to understand different communication styles, read on!
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 344,739 times.
Originally published at https://www.wikihow.com.
